By: Curt Williams
I am not a counselor. I am not a therapist, and I do not have any alphabet letters following my name. I have never hung up a sign advertising marriage counseling services, but I have required that those who would like for me to perform their marriage ceremony meet with me to discuss the very serious matter of holy matrimony. Some have refused to do so, and I have therefore refused to perform their ceremony. I am not offended, and it seems that it is not difficult to find a minister or justice of the peace that will help them recite the appropriate legal wording to seal the procedure without a word of caution, wisdom or advice.
I see marriage as something so deep, so dead serious, and so supremely sacred that I refuse to allow a flippant or casual approach to God’s earthly picture of His heavenly union of Christ and the Bride, his Church.
It is such a holy and powerful proposition that it should only be proposed after sober reflection, wise counsel, and cold introspection. I try my best to help prospective couples to go there before they go down an aisle.
Our culture once viewed both marriage and the consummation of the marriage on the honeymoon night, as something sacred and hallowed. Yet just as he does with everything holy, Satan has offered us a cheap counterfeit, a shiny knockoff that promises the same fulfillment but leaves us feeling carved out and dirty. God designed men, being motivated and aroused physically and visually, to be drawn to women and ultimately drawn exclusively to their wives. We are undeniably drawn to the female form, yet this is where the Deceiver has offered us the physical pleasure without any of the emotional hassles. Porn, prostitutes, and the hook-up culture promises the sexual release without having to deal with in-laws, monthly cycles, emotional complications, scheduling conflicts, or bad cooking.
When meeting alone with prospective grooms, I always challenge their view of women in general and their expectations of the marriage bed. As men, we generally think of lovemaking as sexual recreation. We hate to admit it, but we are as shallow as kiddie pools. When we are young, the holy, the spiritual and the emotional things hardly invade our pithy thoughts. As we mature, these elements come more and more into play, but early on? Not so much. So, I try to open these young hearts to at least a fraction of a degree that their minds have already been enlightened by our sex-saturated culture. It goes a bit like this:
“Do you have any idea how vulnerable a woman must be over the prospect of revealing her nakedness to a man? To be evaluated? To be seen without filters, retakes, or soft lighting? And then to be seen naked by the one man on the planet that she desperately hopes will be so impressed that he will have zero regrets, second thoughts, or critiques? The one man who she hopes will want to see her naked today, and tomorrow, and after three kids, and after thirty years of subsequent gravity has passed? Do you have any idea of that level of vulnerability?
And then, to lie on her back and spread her legs for you? Is there any more vulnerable physical and emotional position for a human being? And then for it to be a young woman? And then you penetrate her….And you think for one second you deserve that? Please never think you deserve that because you do not. Not the first time, or the tenth time, or the thousandth time. It will always be beautiful, holy, sacred, and vulnerable. It is not recreational. It is life-affirming. It is love-affirming. It is exclusive to you and her, and she hopes beyond hope that forever and a day you will only want her. Intercourse is an act that is God-designed from creation. It is brilliant; it is so incredibly intricate yet simple. It should leave us astounded that something so beautiful and that can bring such pleasure can also conceive new life. Why does that not leave us in breathless awe? How could it be that we have actually accepted this as just ho-hum? Never, ever treat something which is so supremely sacred as if it is simply common.
This woman who is crazy enough to pledge her entire life to you deserves nothing less than your unquenchable love and devotion. She needs you to honor her vulnerability, and to never injure her in the places where she has allowed you to go physically and emotionally. Because of the vulnerability of her trust, no one will have the ability to hurt her like you will. Hold her faith in you in the highest of all high regards.”
And then to the women, who are proposing the preposterous idea of linking up for life to a man, I want them to slow down and think. I challenge them with something along these lines:
“This man you are planning to wed is not deep and is not complicated. If you want to have deep and intricate conversations, find that with female accountability partners and girlfriends over coffee. He is not going to want to go there very often. He is a doer and wants to fix things. If you do not want things fixed, you will frustrate him with your issues. His view of the world is different from yours. Men and women are different, and that is a wonderful thing. Like two gears in a machine, if they are set correctly, they will mesh together and work well and in harmony. If they are not set correctly, they will not mesh and they will grate and grind until they destroy one another. You must both identify your strengths and weaknesses, and when you do that with honesty and humility, you will find that you will compliment one other and harmony and peace will invade your home.
I hope that you know how wonderfully sacred and beautiful sexual intimacy is within a marriage, and that you are aware that the enemy has done all he can to twist and pervert this into a cheap and twisted counterfeit outside of a marriage covenant. Premarital sex leaves it’s victims hollow and handicapped when they are preparing to enter a marriage, so I hope that both of you will find a good and godly counselor who will walk you through what it is to get free of all the entanglements that you will otherwise drag into your new marriage.
Sex is the ‘canary in the coal mine’ and a very good indicator of the overall health of a marriage. Poor or infrequent sex is often an indicator that the marriage is not healthy. Mutually satisfying and frequent sex is often an indicator that the marriage is healthy. Generally, but not always, men have a stronger sex drive than women. This is the way God designed men, and not a sign that your husband-to-be is perverted, or sex obsessed. He will enjoy variety and he will be thrilled when you initiate, and along this line I have something that I want to share with you. You know about the male ego, right? Well, it’s pretty fragile. We men would like you to believe that we are tough and emotionally calloused, but we are very vulnerable when it comes to the way our wives view us sexually. We want our wives to find us attractive and for you to desire us sexually. This is where we are most vulnerable.
Some men, when they do not feel that they are desired at home, will be tempted to look for that emotional stimulation elsewhere. By no means is this ok, but in our culture the offerings are many; from online hookup platforms and pornography to office affairs, marriages are failing more often than they are surviving, and the leading cause of these failures is sexual issues. So, keeping a healthy emotional home, therefore having a healthy sex life, is a powerful way to keep the enemy out of your marriage.
It is patently unfair to pursue a man one way while dating, and to change that pursuit (or end it altogether) once you are married. Think about the way you have treated and communicated with your boyfriend (and later your fiancé) during the courting season. Keep that in mind when you go through the first few years of marriage. Do your part to keep the marriage fresh by stoking the fires of romance, love and adventure.
There’s a well-kept secret that it seems that only a few amazing women have figured out. In God’s word there’s a directive that has been dissected for ages, and that’s Paul’s admonishment that wives are to submit to their husbands. In a Christ-honoring marriage, the husband is a man of honor, and due to his integrity and sacrifice, his wife has no issue with submitting to his leadership. This is complicated though when the husband is not walking in honor and his character displays deep flaws. This makes submitting a very difficult notion for a wife.
What I have found true, not only in my marriage, but in so many other areas, is that when the wife truly loves, honors, respects and pursues her husband, her influence in the home is as strong (if not stronger) than the husband’s. As I said, we men are not deep. If we are deeply loved and pursued by our wives, there is little that we will not do for her. There are very few men who will cheat on a passionate and loving wife. A man who can’t wait to get home to his wife is not likely to pursue time-wasting hobbies. In my own world, if my wife asked me for the moon, you would find me on the roof with a rope and a ladder trying to get that thing down for her.”
Marriage in its truest form is so astounding that it is difficult to describe, we just settle for so much less than is possible. The holiest act in a marriage is the act that makes two into one, unites soul and body, and initiates life. The height of evil is to debase the most holy. This is where our culture is today. May those of us who claim the name of Jesus display to a lost and dark world examples of marriage that reflect the beauty and intention of the Creator. In doing this we will offer the highest form of worship….Obedience.
